No guests have checked in since the hotel staff checked out. You can’t have one without the other. Hotels are notoriously frivolous – you can’t check them out without someone to check you in, unless you invite yourself uninvited.

The one on Goethestraße in Ahlbeck at Ostsee has been abandoned since Mauerfall, according to the wan who ran the guesthouse we were staying at. Only ghosts stay there now. (At the Ostsee hotel, not the guesthouse.)

“It was bought by an investor who’s done nothing with it since buying it,” she said.

She told a sorry tale told many times before. Apparently the original hotel was built in the 1800s and has Denkmalschutz (listed status) but the investor wants to level the whole thing to build apartments. There’s also another part built in the 1960s that no one would shed too many tears over.

Anyway, the local council or Bezirk or whatever it’s called won’t let him (I assume it’s a money-chasing man) knock the thing down because it’s got Denkmalschutz, and so he just ignores it and leaves it until it falls down by itself – much like the investor who owns Ballhaus Grünau is doing.

“This is why Denkmalschutz isn’t worth a shit!” I told your wan.

She agreed, albeit in a more refrained manner, said that Denkmalschutz was meaningless unless it was enforced.

She added that they used to enjoy going into the hotel for a look when they were younger but she wouldn’t recommend anyone go in there now – the floors are too dangerous and could collapse at any instant.

So we went in the next day, me and the young fella. He was cool, stayed really quiet in case the Polizei came along, but he needed to pee a lot more than usual. It’s always the same in abandoned places for some reason. He peed in a hotel room corner, saw the broken sink in the other corner, and asked, “Will I wash my hands? Hot or cold water?” He nearly fell over laughing. Five minutes later, he needed to pee again…

We proceeded through crumbling corridors, creaking doors and vacant rooms. The curtains were atmospheric but the hotel ghosts were shy that day. Perhaps they were bathing at the beach a stone’s throw away. There wasn’t much else to check out unfortunately. It all checked out a long time before.

• What: Abandoned hotel in the Baltic seaside resort of Ahlbeck, last stop before what is now Poland as a consequence of some idiot getting too big for his boots, getting his people all worked up, and engaging in an ill-fated land-grab with disastrous consequences for all.
• Where: Ecke Goethestraße/Rathenaustraße, 17419 Heringsdorf, Germany.
• How to get there: I drove from Berlin, one of the few times I’ve driven anywhere, but there must be some way of getting there on public transport. You can get the train to Heringsdorf apparently. You’d need to get the regional train to Züssow and then change to an even regionaler train (the Usedomer Bäderbahn) for Seebad Heringsdorf. Heringsdorf and Ahlbeck are quite nice. Lovely beaches.
  Here it is on a map in case that helps.
• Getting in: Just go around the back, find the open gaps leading to the cellar, hop in, climb up the steps around the corner (bring a torch!) and you’re in.
• Where to stay: There’s a youth hostel at Heringsdorf, just a couple of hundred meters away. You could stay there relatively cheaply, certainly more cheaply than you could at any of the numerous schickimicki places that otherwise populate Ostsee. Warning – there are no Spätis at Ostsee, apart from one, I’ve been told, at Greifswald.
  We stayed at a guesthouse on Goethestraße/Friedenstraße and that was fine too. They have their own little pub and the family was very nice.
• When to go: Go when it’s warm enough for FKK, if it’s ever warm enough for FKK – it’s the Baltic after all.
• Difficulty rating: 3/10, primarily due to that bit of extra effort involved in getting here. If you combine it with an Ostsee holiday it’s no effort at all. It’s ridiculously easy to get into the hotel.
• Who to bring: Bring a guest along. There haven’t been any at the hotel for ages.
• What to bring: Bring your camera, a torch and a few beers. As mentioned before, there’s a severe shortage of Spätis at Ostsee.
• Dangers: You need to watch out for dodgy floors under your feet and dodgier ceilings above your head.

Thanks as always to Mark Rodden for proofreading and suggestions!